Notes On (My) Logic
So I had an old friend staying with me this weekend. Actually, I had my brother, this friend, and this friend’s little sister staying with me this weekend; but for this story, only the friend is important.
My friend woke up yesterday morning with a headache (possibly due to the oppressive heat in my apartment), and asked if I had any advil. Well, I just so happened to know that I had some naproxen (also marketed as aleve, midol, etc.) stored away somewhere, so I said “of course” and headed merrily along to search my bathroom.
This is where my well-intentioned plan runs into a kink. I could not, for the life of me, find my naproxen. I knew I had it because my roommate had recently needed some, but after a good five minutes of searching, I could not turn it up. Just as I was getting ready to wake my lovely roommate with her own catchphrase “where in my infinite wisdom???” I was hit by a stroke of inspiration: for some reason unbeknownst to me, I felt compelled to search my tampon box.
And there it was. Lo and behold, nestled between orange wrapped super-absorbency and yellow-wrapped regular tampons, sat a bag containing my naproxen.
Why in the hell would I have painkillers stuffed into a tampon box? I almost never get cramps, and when I do, I’m one of those people who refuses to take medicine anyway, thinking I can just tough it out (yeah, I’m kind of a badass). Really, the only reason I haven’t thrown the naproxen out is for precisely this; the odd guest who gets hit with a headache. So what the f is with the tampon box?
As cock my head, staring, befuddled, at the assortment of contents taking up residency in the oversized ziplock bag which is now dangling from my hand at eye level., my logic returns in a flash. Here’s what we have: naproxen, skelaxin (a muscle relaxant), plan b (“the morning after pill”), and a pregnancy test.
First come the naproxen and skelaxin, bought during a bout of lower back spasms. Later, I added the morning after pill to the mix, placing it with the other two bottles of pills that I never take but like to have around. Fast forward a few months and I put the pregnancy tests in the bag. Logical: plan b and pregnancy tests seem to be in the same “grouping” of toiletry items. Then, when reorganizing my drawers, I see the bag containing a pregnancy test next to my hair-dryer and think “surely, it makes much more sense to store this with my tampons.” Et voilà.
Each of these steps, while perfectly logical when viewed independently, somehow, when put together, result in my naproxen being stored in my tampon box. I love myself.
What does this have to do with the intellectual pursuit and scientific study of issues relating to sex and human sexual behavior? Nothing, really. Just an interesting piece of insight into how my brain (and my life) works.
Addendum:
Upon further reflection, I rescind my assertion that this post has nothing to do with sex or human sexual behavior. Really, it is a great metaphor for how relationships slowly evolve (or devolve) without our even noticing and without it being anyone’s “fault.” We all make the best decisions we can based on the information we have at the time, both in relationships and in life in general. But sometimes, the collective accumulated effects of these decisions can leave us wondering “how in the hell did I get here?” Sometimes it’s funny, like finding your pain medicine in your tampon box. And sometimes it’s painful, like realizing that you have to let go of a treasured relationship. Either way, it’s important to remember that we all do our best in any given situation, and if things don’t turn out the way we’d planned, it doesn’t mean that anyone has done even one thing wrong.
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Once upon a time, a long time ago, so long ago that you may have forgotten (in my last post), I promised a follow up story explaining my strong aversion to digital read-out pregnancy tests. This is that story.
Umm, why are they all positive?
Time: Summer 2009, between my junior and senior years of college.
Place: My father’s apartment in Raleigh, NC.
Relevant Background: I chose to live with my father for a few months that summer so that I could take summer classes (for fun!) at UNC Chapel Hill—I’ll hear none of your sass, school is fun. I had also been dating a particular young man (let’s call him “Boy”) on-again-off-again for the past year and a half. We had lived together the previous semester in a little condo near the college which I attended and from which he had graduated the year before, along with our two lovely male roommates: the Dropout and the Underground Cage Fighter. Poor decision, but that’s another story. When I decided to live in Raleigh for the summer, Boy decided to come with me for a while. At the point at which this story occurs, we had broken up (for real this time, I mean it!) as a result of his imminent return to my least favorite state and he was now traveling in Europe. Upon my brilliant suggestion, we were not communicating while he traveled to “make some space.” He had been gone for about a month and a half.
Scene: Young Woman/Old Girl (me) enters apartment, allowing in with her a blast of sweltering summer air. She wears daisy dukes, a blue tank top, and brown flip flops. Her hair is in a ponytail. She carries a grocery bag. Girl walks to kitchen counter, unloads sliced deli meat (chicken), jalapeno hummus, granny smith apples, and…a single pregnancy test: store brand, digital read-out (which she would normally never buy but it was the cheapest and even though her period is 2 weeks late she’s completely sure that she’s not pregnant because 1) she just went off birth control and so OF COURSE her hormones are all fucked up and 2) she’s already had a period since Boy left, even if it was a little light).
Girl sighs, walks to the bathroom, unwraps pregnancy test, drops trousers, and proceeds to cavalierly pee on the stick. She then replaces the cap, walks to the kitchen, checks the time, waits 3 minutes, and reads results.
Okay, I’ve written myself into a corner, I cannot effectively tell the rest of the story in this style. Prepare for a change:
So after 3 minutes, I read the test: “pregnant.”
Umm…where’s the “not”? FUCK! WHERE’S THE ‘NOT’?!
Just at this moment, my phone rings; it’s my dad:
“Hello?”
“Hey Lu!…what’s wrong?”
See, now, that’s the problem with having an incredibly sensitive, intuitive dad: just from “hello” he can surmise that my whole world is currently crashing down around my head.
I burst into tears: “Ijus’tookapregnancytestanditwaspositive!”
Fortunately, my dad is working as an ER nurse at the time. He assures me that everything is going to be okay, and tells me that he may have an extra ER pregnancy test sitting on the bookshelf. Through my sobs, he instructs me on how to use and read the test and tells me to call him back once I’ve taken it. “It may be a little past its expiration date, though,” he warns, “so don’t freak out if it doesn’t work.”
Okay, pregnancy test round two. I pee into a cup, suck out a few drops with a sterilized syringe, drop them into the tiny absorbent circle on the white plastic box of the ER pregnancy test, and wait…again. One line—“test”—the test is working. Okay, no line in the second window yet, this is good.
WHAT THE HELL? WHAT IS THIS LINE IN THE 3RD WINDOW?! WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF PREGNANCY TEST HAS A 3RD WINDOW??????
FYI: 3rd window = retest.
So at this point, I have one “yup, you’re pregnant!” and one “hmm, I dunno, you could be pregnant…ask again later.”
And my phone rings. This time, it’s my mom (the every bit as warm and well-intentioned but slightly more neurotic half of my parenting team). GOD, parents have good timing!
“Hi Mom…” I sniffle.
“Honey, what’s wrong?”
“MyperiodistwoweekslatesoIboughtapregnancytestandjus’tookitanditwaspositivesoItookanotheranditsaidretestbutI’m outofpregnancytestsandthere’snowayinhellI’mpregnantbecauseI’vehadaperiodsinceBoyleftandIdon’tfeelpregnantbut nowI’vetakentwotestsandonesaidpregnantandonesaidmaybeandIdon’tknowwhattodoooooooooo!!!!!”
“Woah, slow down. You took a pregnancy test because your period was late?”
“Yes”
“And it was positive?”
“Yes”
“And then you took another?”
“Yes”
“And it said retest?”
“Yes, but I think it was expired.”
“Well, honey, you don’t get false positives…you just don’t. You must be pregnant.”
“But I’ve had a period since the last time I had sex!”
“You can have periods while you’re pregnant.”
silence
“Well what are you going to do about this?”
“I’M GONNA DRIVE TO THE GODDAMN STORE AND KEEP TAKING FUCKING PREGNANCY TESTS UNTIL I GET ONE THAT’S FUCKING NEGATIVE, THAT’S WHAT I’M GOING TO DO!!!”
I slam down the phone (okay, well, the cell phone equivalent of slamming down the phone…I press the hang up button with vigor). Thanks for all the help, Mom.
I call my dad as I’m heading back out to the store. I inform him of the inconclusive results provided by his ER test and tell him about the conversation with my mother. “I’ll be home in two hours, Lu, if you want to wait we can take another one together; we’ll work everything out.”
“No, I can’t wait, I’m going now.”
“Okay. I doubt you’re pregnant, but either way it’s all going to be okay. You can move in with me and we’ll raise it together.”
Raise it?! How in the hell did we get to RAISING it?! The only thing on my mind right now is where is the nearest clinic and how I can get there between classes tomorrow (a reaction I never expected myself to have, but you never know until you’re there).
That, and what an interesting conversation this is going to be with Boy. I mean, what do you do? Do I write an email “Hi…umm…I know we agreed not to talk but this is kind of important maybe you should call me”? Or “Happy belated birthday…I’M PREGNANT!!!”?
Yeah…not so good on either one of those.
I call my mom back (because I am incapable of staying angry for very long and because I’m scared and even if she said, like, the least helpful things possible, I still need the support) and talk with her about options while I drive to the store. I hang up and go in. This time I opt for the name brand, traditional readout, three pack—I am not going to relax until I have at least two negatives.
I get home and take my third pregnancy test of the evening. I pee in a cup this time and submerge the absorbent tip for the exact time indicated on the instructions. I wait, and read it, and….
One line! NOT PREGNANT!!!
I call my mother:
“So…mom…have you ever gotten a false positive?”
“Noooo, never.”
“Yeah, well… IT SUCKS!”
She cracks up (apparently I’m funny even when announcing that I am not, in fact, pregnant).
Vilified, I hang up.
The next morning I take another pregnancy test, just in case, to catch those high hormone levels. Still negative. Hell. Yes. I am relieved, shakey, and forever changed.
Looking back, this is one of the funniest stories of my life, but in the moment, it was VERY real and very scary.
I don’t tell this story just so you can laugh at my neurosis or my, shall we can them…”atypical”? family dynamics (although that is certainly part of it, please, laugh, seriously). But, there are a few take-aways:
1) There is such a thing a false positive. Believe me, I know.
2) The first test I took, I was so sure that I wasn’t pregnant that I was careless. I peed directly on the stick and let’s be honest it was kind of messy. I’m pretty sure I peed too far up on the test and got some up under the read-out screen, ruining the part wherein the “not” was supposed to appear. So don’t be cavalier about these things, even if you’re totally sure everything is fine. Be careful and be thorough—it can save you a lot of heartache.
3) Be kind to people—give them room to have their own feelings and make their own decisions and don’t judge them too harshly: you never know what you’d do until you’re in their shoes.
All that said, you now understand my aversion to generic and digital read-out. Fluke or not, I will forever buy traditional read, name brand pregnancy tests in multipacks…they have never done me wrong.
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Tags: exboyfriend, false positive, how to take a pregnancy test, pregnancy test, pregnant
“You Preggo, My Eggo” or “How to Tell if You’re Pregnant” (Guys, You Should Know This Too!!!)
Spring is in the air. And with it come flowers, ice cream, walks in the park, tank tops and…babies. Maybe it’s that I live in Park Slope, otherwise known as baby central, USA, but it seems that everywhere I look, babies are popping up like grass. This can cause several emotions in a young, unwed female, the top three being: “Aww, I want one!” (read: baby itch), “Eww, no thank you,” and “OH FUCK! When was my last period?!”
If you are experiencing that last one, here are some initial signs of pregnancy to point you in the right direction. It’s good to have these as tools, but remember, none of them can substitute for a good ol’fashioned pee stick.
1) Missed period (duh). It is a good practice to track your menstrual cycle EVEN IF YOU ARE NOT SEXUALLY ACTIVE just to keep track of what your body is up to. Each woman’s cycle differs, generally ranging from 21 to 35 days, with an average of 28 (time-wise a “cycle” refers to the number of days between the first day of one period to the first day of the next, thus if you started bleeding on April 17, and then your next period started on May 15, your cycle would be 28 days). Very few women are completely regular all the time, and your period can be delayed because of stress, diet, travel, illness, the weather, and a range of other things, so don’t freak out if you’re a few days late, stressing can cause it to be delayed even more.
Tracking your menstrual cycle can also help you predict when you are going to ovulate which is useful whether you are trying to get pregnant or avoiding it at all costs. Generally, women ovulate about 14 days before they begin bleeding. This means that you have to track your cycle for a few months to be able to predict when you will ovulate!!! If you generally have a 28 day cycle, you will ovulate around the 14th day, a woman with a 30 day cycle would ovulate on the 16th (remember, you start counting on the FIRST day of your period). You are, for all intensive purposes, “fertile” for several days BEFORE (sperm can live in your body for a few days) AND AFTER ovulation (while the egg is traveling down your fallopian tube). For a more in depth description of what happens during your cycle, check this out.
Your body also gives you a few other good signals that you are ovulating and thus fertile. An increase in sex drive always tips me off (come aaaawn, let’s make a baby! Thanks, evolution). Your vaginal discharge will turn clear and sticky/stringy (this helps the sperm climb on up there). Your basal body temperature will rise around the day of ovulation—to track this, take your temperature under your arm when you first wake up, before you start moving around.
It is very important to remember that you can experience spotting or even full-on bleeding even if you are pregnant, especially in ectopic pregnancies. If you have reason to think you may be pregnant, and you’re having one or more of these other signs, you should consider taking a pregnancy test even if you’ve had a period.
Learning your body’s own rhythms and idiosyncrasies is hugely important. No one knows your body better than you do…if something is off, don’t ignore it.
2) Sore or swollen breasts. This is usually the first sign of pregnancy and can occur within days of becoming pregnant. Unfortunately, this is also one of the most common signs of PMS, but in pregnancy, the tenderness and swelling tends to be more pronounced than in a normal cycle. This does not occur in all women, but if your breasts are unusually sensitive, it might be time to consider getting a pregnancy test.
3) Darkening of the Areola (That’s Nipple to You). The hormones occurring during early pregnancy can often cause your nipples to darken and take on a deep purple or red shade. There is a range of typical nipple color, so if you don’t know what your nipples normally look like, go grab a mirror (like, NOW) and check it out so you have a reference point.
4) Nausea or Vomiting (“Morning Sickness”). Experiencing nausea or vomiting in early pregnancy is quite common. Popularly known as morning sickness as it is most often experienced in the morning when hormonal levels are highest, it can actually occur at any point through the day. It is most common during the first trimester of pregnancy, although some women feel nauseated for the duration, and many never experience it at all. Generally, the onset of morning sickness is several weeks into pregnancy, after a period has already been missed.
5) Position of the Cervix.
See? It's easy...just reach on up there!!!
One of the lesser known but most useful (I think) indications of pregnancy is the position of the cervix. When you ovulate or are fertile, the cervix descends through the vaginal canal and becomes hard. When you are pregnant, it tends to retract further up and soften. To find your cervix, either sit on the toilet or lay down (I prefer sitting because it shortens the distance from the vaginal opening to the cervix and makes it easier to find) and stick your finger into your vagina. You should be able to feel the walls on either side (soft and fleshy). Straight up the vaginal canal, you should find what either feels like a harder, almost cylindrical piece of flesh sticking down (you are fertile/ovulating) or a flatter, fleshy wall, similar in texture/feel to the vaginal walls, at the top (you are pregnant or at a less fertile point in your cycle). In both positions, it has a little slit or hole, the cervical opening. If the cervix is descended, it should be relatively easy to find, if not, you may have to feel around a bit more.
The difference between the two states can be subtle, so try this as a demonstration: flex your arm muscle and then prod it with your finger—feel how it is firm, but still slightly fleshy? Now poke it without flexing—it should feel softer and have more give. The difference between your cervix when you are fertile and when you are not is something like this; the fertile and descended position feeling like the firmer, flexed muscle, and the infertile retracted position feeling more like the unflexed. They are the same piece of tissue, but you can feel a difference.
Now, there again is a range of when during pregnancy the cervix retracts and also of how much it descends during ovulation. This is a very useful tool for me because I know what mine normally feels like and can thus track changes. I strongly suggest familiarizing yourself with the typical feel and positioning of yours at different points in your cycle. . Just because your cervix is retracted and soft does not mean you are pregnant (you could just be at an infertile point in your cycle) and just because it is descended does not mean you are not. The cervix can soften and retract as early as a few days into pregnancy, and as late as a few weeks, but if your period is late and your cervix is still descended and hard (in the “fertile position), it is likely that your cycle is just running a little behind.
6) Elevated Basal Body Temperature. As discussed in the “missed period” section, basal body temperature can be a good way to track when you ovulate. A consistently elevated basal body temperature (15 consecutive days or more) can be a very strong indicator that you are pregnant. Of course, in order to know what constitutes “elevated” for you, you need to begin tracking where your temperature normally lies.
7) Mood Swings and Fatigue. Once again, some of the most common symptoms of PMS are some of the most common signs of pregnancy. As with breast swelling and tenderness, these symptoms tend to be more pronounced in pregnancy than during normal PMS and could be accompanied by increased appetite and food cravings or aversions.
8) Intuition. Okay, this may seem hippy dippy, but you live in your body and if you take the time to get in touch with it, it will tell you what’s going on. Sit down, stop freaking out, take a deep breath, and let go of some of those worries for a second. Maybe even put your hand on your belly over your uterus. Seriously, do it. Do you feel pregnant? Relax your mind and pay attention to what your body is telling you. A lot of symptoms have to kick-start when you conceive; if you are pregnant, there’s a lot of energy flowing around down there. This method is, of course, very subject and could be influenced by paranoia or denial and is obviously no substitute for a test, but if you’re an over-worrier (meet your writer), this can be a good way to get your center back so you can begin to think through your situation rationally.
9) Positive Pregnancy Test (even BIGGER DUH). As we all know, the gold standard in determining whether or not you are pregnant is the pee stick. At home pregnancy tests test for the presence of the pregnancy hormone, human Chorionic Gonadotropin or hGC. It is produced by the placenta (the cells that nourish the egg) once the zygote has implanted in the uterine wall. HGC levels will generally peak at between 8-11 weeks after fertilization and then begin to decline and level off through the remainder of the pregnancy. They generally reach a level detectable by urine tests around two weeks after fertilization occurs and increase rapidly until they reach their peak.
When should I take a test?
Many at home pregnancy tests advertise their ability to detect pregnancy “5 days before your missed period” and with “99% accuracy.” These are mutually exclusive. If you read the fine print, the % accuracy 5 days before your missed period is generally in the 60s, and then increases each day until it reaches 99% on the day your period should have arrived. Because of this, I suggest waiting the few extra days until your period is actually late before taking a test. If you get a negative result 5 days before your missed period, there is still over a 30% chance that the test was wrong. If you just can’t wait, go ahead, but remember that if you get a negative result, you’re still going to need to retest in a few days if your period turns out to be late so in my mind, it’s kind of a waste of a test. If you get a negative result after the day your period was due, relax, you’re probably not pregnant. Give it a week, chill out, pay attention to your body (remembering that many of the signs of pregnancy are the same as those of PMS) and if your period still hasn’t come at the end of the week, retest.
Which test should I buy?
Aaaah yes, we can all spend an inordinate amount of time standing in drug store aisles, agonizing over which test to buy. The truth is, generics and name brands are pretty much the same. They all detect hGC, they all use the same technology, and they all are about equivalent accuracy-wise. I strongly suggest getting a multipack in case you mess up or need to retest, plus they don’t expire for years and a pregnancy test is never a bad thing to have hanging around. I DO have a strong personal preference for the basic tests that show you lines (two for pregnant, one for not) over the digital read out. This is due partly to my paranoid logic—simpler test means fewer chances for something to go wrong—and partly due to a traumatizing personal experience (in fact, I think I’ll tell that story in my next post…yeah…I will…get ready). But, since they really are pretty much all equivalent, go for the one that inspires the most confidence in you, the one you feel you’re least likely to find yourself second-guessing.
How do I take the test?
Different tests can have slightly different directions, so make sure to read the insert that comes in your box (that’s what she said?) carefully, but I’ll give you some basic guidelines here. First of all, as discussed earlier, levels of hGC are highest in the morning, so you will get the most accurate results by using your first morning urine. Instructions always give you the option of peeing directly on the stick or peeing into a cup and then soaking the stick. Here, I also have a strong personal preference (once again relating to that traumatizing experience) of peeing in a cup and dipping. It’s just easier to control. If you get urine above the swab and inside the actual tube, you risk screwing up the test and I’m sorry, but maybe I managed to shoot my dad right in the eye with my pee when I was a baby (okay, not maybe, I totally did), but I just don’t have that kind of control anymore. So…go for the cup. This is not like the tests at the doctor’s office where you need to catch it midstream, anything will do. Once you have collected your urine, submerge the swab, pointing it DIRECTLY DOWN. Make sure you do not submerge further than the top of the swab…if it is plastic, it should not get wet!!! Generally, you want to soak the stick for 5 seconds, but check for your test’s specific instructions. Then, with minimal movement and jiggling, replace the cap over the swab and lay the test on a flat surface with the test window facing up. Again, timing can vary slightly, but most tests should be read after 3 minutes. If you have chosen the line read out type that I recommended, you will see some color moving across the screen and the first or “test” line should appear relatively quickly. After 3 minutes (or however long your test instructions indicate) take a look at the screen. There should always be at least one line. If there is not, either the test is faulty or you have done it wrong and you need to retest. The second line indicates the presence of hGC (look at your individual test instructions for information on which line is which). If this line appears, the test is positive, indicating pregnancy. The line can be a range of colors, from slightly visible to just as dark as the test line, depending on the level of hGC present in your urine. If there is no second line, the test is negative. Again, check the specific time indications for the test you bought, but most tests show accurate results for 3-8 minutes, but should not be read after 10 minutes.
We’ve already discussed the possibility of false negatives, but false positives happen too! They are very rare, but they do occur, often as a result of testing incorrectly. If you get a positive result, I suggest taking a second test, just to be sure. Use a fresh urine sample. You can do this right away, or wait until the next morning when hormone levels are again elevated.
If you get a positive result, or if you get a negative result but your period is significantly late AND you are experiencing one or more of the other indicators, it’s time to see your doctor.
10) Your Doctor Says You’re Pregnant (no getting around this one). Blood tests are more accurate than urine tests in detecting hGC, so it is possible that your doctor will want to give you a blood test when you go in. Most often, though, they will just confirm using a urine test. It is important to see your doctor early, whether or not you are planning to continue with the pregnancy. If you are, getting prenatal supplements and information on how best to take care of yourself, your body, and the new life growing within you is an important first step in having a healthy pregnancy. If you are not, or if you are conflicted, your doctor can offer you resources to help you make the right decision for you and help you through the process. Certain options, such as chemical abortions, are only possible in the first 8 weeks of pregnancy, so even though it can be easier to just ignore it or to go into a freeze state, time truly is a factor. DO NOT PUT IT OFF. If you are uncomfortable going to your normal doctor, or if you do not have one, Planned Parenthood specializes in this and is a WONDERFUL resource.
So, the three big take-aways 1) know your body through specific tracking and physical exploration 2) pay attention to your intuition and what your body is trying to tell you and 3) don’t put shit off…yo.
Commit this to memory, tell your friends, and go enjoy your spring.
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Tags: am i pregnant?, cervix position, how to take a pregnancy test, how to tell if you're pregnant, late period, pregnancy test, pregnant, signs of pregnancy
So after my last post, I received a message asking me about sex, orgasms, and “faking it.” Just for some context, here is the original question:
I’ve faked an orgasm during sex. on many occasion.
I asked my women’s doctor about it one time (she’s great like that) and she said it’s normal for girls my age. so, Alea, is it? because, shit, sometimes I’ve wondered if A) it’s the guys I’ve been with or B) it’s broke. She said that guys get better with age (around their thirties) and that they’re not quite in-tune with women and pleasing us until they’ve gotten over their selfish-sex phase. And, I’ve gotta tell ya, I don’t want to have sex with a thirty-something year-old any time soon to find out if it’ true.
all this to say, what are your thoughts on fake orgasms: is it lousy lovers or a broken music box?
Let’s start with some of the mini-questions contained in here and then get down to the bit I know everyone is really dying to hear about: faking it.
First of all, yes, of course it is true that in sex, as in all things, we improve with practice. Therefore it makes logical sense that men in their thirties would, statistically, make better lovers than younger men because, statistically, they have had more sex. There’s also the theory of the “selfish-sex phase”—men beginning their sexual explorations tend to be focused on, nay, obsessed, with the sensation of their own orgasm, thus leading them to sometimes neglect the needs of their partner. Fortunately, there appears to be a clear trend suggesting that as men have more sex and mature, they become more focused on their partner’s pleasure, leading them to be better lovers and, by many men’s testimonials, to higher levels of pleasure themselves. So good news: this suggests that yes, men do improve with age. Still, who wants to wait?
On the female side, other studies suggest that women reach their sexual peak later than men, not until their mid-thirties. Perhaps there is some purely physical aspect to this (although I cannot personally construct any reason why it would make evolutionary sense for women to reach their sexual peak after their prime reproductive years—late teens through mid-twenties—have already passed). More likely, in my mind, is that women’s sexual arousal and orgasms tend to be more complicated than men’s and that it takes awhile for us, not just our male counterparts, to become well-acquainted and comfortable with all the intricacies of our bodies and emotions as they relate to sex.
Okay, now, on to the hot-topic, “faking it.”
Even Meg Ryan fakes it
I must preface this by my acknowledging my own bias: I have been,
and continue to be in my own personal life, staunchly against faking. Ever. I am actually perhaps too extreme, going as far as to correct lovers who have mistakenly thought they’ve given me an orgasm (“Mmm, that was awesome, I felt you come,” “Umm, no you didn’t”). Personal intimacy defects aside, I also own that I am blessed in the sense that it is not difficult for me to achieve orgasm. I partly credit this to my stubborn adherence to the no-faking policy.
My reasoning has always been “if you pretend it’s already good enough, how will it ever get better?” Basically, if your partner thinks he or she is already giving you everything you want, how will you ever open the channels of communication to talk about ways things could improve? Faking also has always felt, to me, like a violation of trust, a form of lying.
Most of my friends (both female and male) disagree. Females advocate faking for several reasons. Most often listed? They do not want to discourage their partners or hurt their feelings. Second most frequent: sometimes it feels good, but it just ain’t gonna happen and god, it needs to end at some point! Third most: building intimacy. On the male side, their number one reason for appreciating a fake is confidence-building, and number two is intimacy-building—they feel better about themselves and closer to their partner after having given him or her an orgasm. Oh, and P.S. men fake it too! Shit, I think, have I been alienating my partners all these years?
Now, I will address an aspect of faking it that no-one has ever mentioned to me, but that would be the only reason I can see myself potentially changing positions (hehe) on the subject. I will call it the empathy theory. In several studies on empathy, researchers have discovered that in going through the expressions of empathy, even if the underlying emotion is not initially there, people can learn to build the genuine emotion. Essentially, that by “faking it,” people can learn to experience the real thing. I think this same theory could be true for orgasms—that by outwardly mimicking orgasm, you could actually train your body to engage in the real physiological response. I have, in fact, talked to many girls who have been caught by surprise by a real orgasm mid-fake, having been aroused by the motions and emotions of the fake.
So out of theory and into some hard (pun intended) practical advice. Number 1) MASTURBATE. A LOT. This advice is for everyone, not just those who have difficulty coming. The more orgasms you have, the easier it is to have one. Partly it’s physiological, simple muscle memory like riding a bicycle or throwing a baseball. Partly it’s mental; once you know you can get there, it’s easier to relax and just let it happen. Also, the better you know your own body and what gives you pleasure, it is easier to guide others to do the same. If you don’t even know how to make yourself feel good, how can you expect others to?
This leads me to point number 2) Don’t be afraid to talk with your partner. This also goes for everyone. Telling your partner what feels good to you not only leads to more and better orgasms and builds intimacy, but it can be hot in itself. But, know your partner. As in all things, there is variation and some people are more sensitive to perceived criticism than others. Maybe this is a good instance to do as I say, not as I do, and NOT be like me. Instead if you’re running into roadblocks that need to be discussed and could get emotions running high, choose a relaxed, non-sexually-charged environment to approach the issue.
Number 3) Don’t stress out. Almost all women have faked at some point, and many fake regularly. You’re not broken. You’re not a freak. Just relax, stress only makes it worse. Try taking a hot bath first or doing mental relaxation exercises. Most of us are too hard on ourselves in everything we do, sex should be fun, not an added stressor. If you need to fake sometimes and knowing you have a guaranteed out relaxes you, go for it. That said, I still would not recommend getting in the habit of faking, let’s work on this shit!
Number 4) Focus on the positive. If you can’t orgasm during sex, how can you orgasm? If never is the answer, go back to point one and work on it yourself. Let go of self-consciousness, maybe buy a good vibrator (one that appeals to you), and keep on trying. You’ll get there, I promise. Some women are more sensitive to clitoral stimulation, some to g-spot, some need a combination. Figure out what works for you and then build from there. Try starting with what works most consistently and then adding little variations or different aspects. For example, if clitoral stimulation is your thing (it is for most women), try starting with orgasms stimulating your clit only, then add insertion of a finger/dildo/vibrator. Once you can consistently reach orgasm with the combination, take a leap of faith and see if you can get there with insertion/g-spot stimulation only. You can work on this by yourself or with a partner. Again, it’s about muscle memory and psychological conditioning. Basically, you’re conditioning yourself to come…not so bad!
Also, if you’re up for it, try using a mirror and learning your own anatomy, feel free to use a chart or book. This can be very empowering and freeing.
Finally, number 5) If sex is generally painful for you, it is possible that you are suffering from a medical condition. In many cases, however, pain during sex is simply a result of not being fully relaxed and aroused. Lubrication is seriously important, people! Take your time with foreplay, however long you might need. Some women also find sex more pleasurable after they’ve already had an orgasm, so having your partner finger or go down on you first could be a solution.
Remember, everyone is different and that is okay; it’s part of what makes sex so exciting! Give yourself permission to embrace your sexual needs and quirks and work from there.
So, Ophelia, to answer the question of lousy lovers versus broken box, it is at once both and neither. Your lead men could very likely use some tuning up, as could your music box, but I highly doubt that anything about you is truly broken. My prescription? Practice makes perfect. And laughing a bit about it never hurts either.
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Tags: bad lovers, fake, fake orgasm, faking, faking it, faking orgasms, masturbation, orgasm, painful sex, selfish sex
I recently learned an important lesson. I have always prided myself on my ability to judge others’ characters very quickly; when talking to my friends/family about attraction, I often find myself saying “I know immediately whether or not I’m interested in dating someone, like, within a few minutes,” “how?” “I dunno…I just do, okay? It’s just a feeling.” That feeling has always led me in the right direction, or so I thought. Certainly I’ve always had boyfriends to whom I’ve been wildly attracted, but have they always been good for me? Not exactly.
A few weeks ago I went on a blind date. Within five minutes, I was ready to leave. And that’s saying something: up until that point I had never had a date that I didn’t enjoy; it’s just part of my personality structure–I love getting to know all sorts of people. This time, however, was different. The guy barely said hello, struck out ahead of me on the sidewalks of New York, answered his cell phone, hardly engaged in conversation, and edgily corrected me on details of his life that I (inexcusably?) got confused (oh, I’m sorry, I’ve known you for all of 2 minutes, I really should have remembered that). To top it all off, I wasn’t even attracted to him! Needless to say, he did NOT pass my instant judgment test, and I was ready to go. I spent the next ten minutes engaged in a heated internal debate:
“Do I really have to spend the next two hours of my life like this?”
“Yes, you committed to this and you WILL see it through.”
“Seriously? You’re going to get all moral on me now?”
“Dude, how would you feel if you showed up for a date and five minutes in the guy was like, yeah…you know? not feeling it. I’m out!”
“Fine. Fine fine FINE!!! GODDAMNIT!!!”
So I saw the date through. And, believe it or not, I ended up having a wonderful time. Once the awkwardness of “getting to know you” was over, my date turned out to be smart, funny, attentive, and very sweet. Did I fall madly in love with him? No. Will I see him again in a romantic context? Probably not. But it turned out to be one of the more enjoyable first dates I’ve had in a while, and I learned a tough, but valuable lesson.
What elements go into attraction? The idea of “love at first sight” is a giant in pop culture; google the term and you get approximately 21,400,000 results; on “How I Met Your Mother,” Barney claims that it takes exactly 8.3 seconds for a woman to decide whether or not she will sleep with a man; it has become something you can “believe in” or not, like God and global warming. A number of scientific studies have been performed studying this phenomenon. Some claim that it takes approximately 30 seconds to experience love at first sight, others, 5.8 seconds, others say .13 to determine if you are attracted, and another indeterminate period for deeper feelings to develop. Eye contact seems to be key, as is facial configuration, and (for women) where they happen to be in their menstrual cycle (click here for a brief overview of Macrae’s research). Many studies have been done on body odor and pheromones as they relate to sexual attraction. Correlations here suggest an evolutionary foundation for feelings of instant sexual attraction: we can determine, through our sense of smell, who has a genetic makeup that is most different from our own and thus whose genetic material is most likely to produce healthy offspring when combined with ours.
So is “love at first sight” an evolutionary mechanism that has been transformed into a cultural expectation? I often find myself feeling impatient with and uninterested in a man if I don’t have immediate feelings of infatuation. Culturally, we are encouraged to seek out our “one true love,” and taught that we will recognize him or her immediately. For my roommate’s birthday last year, I explored the theme in a humorous setting, throwing a “Disney Gave Me Unrealistic Expectations About Love” party, during which everyone was required to wear a sign stating their unrealistic expectation (see photo). Not a single person had much trouble coming up with something to put on their sign.
I personally attach great value to my intuition and when I do meet “the love of my life,” I want to be able to say that I knew right away. In fact, I often jump in too deep and too fast because I would rather end up heartbroken when it doesn’t work out than empty-handed, without the amazing “from the first moment I saw him” story if it does. Unfortunately, I’ve found that butterflies-in-my-stomach-can’t-get-you-out-of-my-head syndrome is often related to a deeper knowledge that this particular individual isn’t to be trusted, that I’m risk of losing him because, guess what? I am.
We are inundated with images of and stories about the perfect love, and let’s not lie, we want it. And science does offer some evidence that our initial impressions of others may be correct, at least of the level of genetic fitness. But, do we allow our desire to experience the fabled love at first sight throw off our judgment? Do we choose compulsive behaviors over healthy ones? Do we reject people who may, in the long run, actually be good for us because for some reason they didn’t make our stomach lurch and our loins light up when we first met? I can’t say I have the answers to these questions–this recent experience has certainly thrown them all into sharp relief–yet somehow, I still want to believe that I’ll know when my love comes along.
But is that me, or Disney talking?
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Hi. I’m Alea and I want to talk with you about sex. Not porn-star, turn-you-on (although if it does that, fine by me) kind of talk, but blunt, honest, hopefully humorous, and open discourse about sex and human sexuality. In our culture, there is a premium on sex: it can be marketed, sold, and displayed, but try talking, really talking, about it and people get uncomfortable.
Yesterday I made my first trek out to the New York Museum of Sex (MO’Sex, get it? Get it??). I went for several reasons, the main one being that a dear friend, blogess, publishing/social media guru, and fellow sexellectual, Marian Schembari, recently accepted a day job at the front desk selling tickets and toys (go visit her…seriously). While I enjoyed my time at MO’Sex and will definitely be returning, I also found myself slightly disappointed with the quality and scope of the exhibits, as well as with the presentation–expect a future post on how I would overhaul the museum’s collections, but for now let’s focus on the presentation and how it relates to what’s lacking in our culture’s attitudes towards sex.
The special exhibit was a feature on the darlings of the Porn industry. Overdone, fun, flashy. BUT I found the whole museum to be built upon those same lines. Sex and sexuality in our culture is all neon pink, lime green, silicon, and cum. Somehow human sexual expression has been reduced to the images which the media uses to market it. If a person (particularly a female) describes him/herself as sexual, the expectation and implication is that they are some sort of porn star. As a sexual person I am supposed to be into rubber, whips, fake orgasms, and having guys come on my face. Not so. Yes, the occasional bondage can be delightful, but I have never faked an orgasm, I’m not into threesomes, and breast implants are nowhere on my “to do” list. But, if you are, have, want any of the above…GREAT!!! It’s all about what turns you on rather than trying to fit some predefined structure and image; that’s actually the whole point.
The commercialization of sex and over-simplification of human sexuality results in a host of misunderstandings.
We are clearly in desperate need of more open lines of communication surrounding sex and human sexuality. Porn, celebrity scandals, and sexual education classes are the main places where many of us get our information about sex; this leads to the reduction of the huge range of human sexuality and behavior into a tiny and shockingly unrepresentative sample. And THAT is where I come in. For my whole life (don’t ask me why), people have come to me with their questions about sex. Starting in middle school, through boarding school and college, and into my new life in the “real world,” I have been the sexual information center of my friends and acquaintances. Through the years, I have compiled a great deal of knowledge and resources. If I don’t already know the answer, I can either find it or find you someone who does.
So, this blog will be an exploration of human sexuality and human behavior. I will post on my own thoughts, experiences, and research, as well as answer any questions that are posted or sent to me. I encourage you to ask me anything…you’d be amazed how many fetish-ized behaviors and desires are actually normal, and of how many basic facts about sexual health the general public is unaware.
Sexual expression can be an emotional, academic, and intellectual pursuit. Sexual arousal is more than just the physical. A good friend’s description of a new romantic interest sums it up best: “I just want to fuck his mind.” Yes, intellect can be a turn on, even if it isn’t cherry-flavored.
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